The moment you find out you're pregnant, you voraciously devour information regarding your own health and that of the developing thing (just kidding, little one!) inside of you. I wrote this and it was published on McSweeney's.
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My New Year's Resolutions /
Inspired by my friend Joslyn's radical take on resolutions, I've drafted mine for 2011. These make me happy.
super lame post /
A) Hi Stalker, I mean Karen.
B) So this list got posted on myspace as a bulletin from Colin who's exceedingly witty. (As lists go, it originally had Colin's answers in it and I've switched out his for my own. Though as lists also go, perhaps I should have just kept his.) I don't feel like posting as a bulletin because, really, does ...Trail of Dead need to know my first thought that comes to mind when I think of Power Rangers? Pro'ly not. Plus, and here's the real story, I've got nothing to say but it's been a few days since last post so here goes. (Quit yer eye rollin'. I KNOW it's weenie.)
First Thought: Think of the first thought that pops in your head. 5 seconds or less on each one or type "PASS."
1. Beer: Blueberry
2. Anorexic: Not enough discipline.
3. Relationships: Commitment-phobe.
4. Your Last Ex: There've been so many.
5. Power Rangers: Are plastic.
6. Life: PASS.
7. The President: Weak.
8. Cars: Since You're Gone.
9. Gas Prices: Blow.
10. Halloween: Dre. Pink cat. Blames friends for "letting her look hooch."
11. Your Birthday: Is lucky.
12. Religion: I don't get it.
13. Myspace: Is the worst boyfriend ever.
14. Worst fear: PASS.
16. Blonde: Redhead.
17. Brunettes: I can't help it.
19: Asians: Great food.
20: Pass the time: Sleep.
21. One night stands: Umm, my mother reads this. Please.
22: Cell Phone: 5 months till iPhone!!
23: Who posted this first? A really good writer who invents his own yoga poses.
24: Smoke: Smells.
25: Vanilla ice cream: Is good with peanut butter.
26: Port a Potties: So uncool to post "Port a potties" in ANY kind of list. Way lamer than me posting a list as a post.
27: High school: Bake sale.
28. Pajamas: Green.
29. Star: Trashy.
30. Wet Socks: Gross.
31. Alcohol: Make head hurt.
32. Rain: The sound of it is the best way to wake up.
33. My best friend: I'm very popular.
34. Money: Helps when I want to buy this new Miu Miu handbag.
35. Art: What's so funny?
36. Love: Is underrated.
37. Heartbreak: Blows.
38. Time: I get it.
39. Divorce: Happens.
Your Blogging or your life /
W/out going into details of how I learned this or why (top secret stuff, kids... top secret stuff), following is my public service announcement for the month.
Blogging Don'ts (Unless You Want to Get Fired)
1. Blog when you're supposed to be working. Unless you can count it as lunch or something.
2. Write something identifiable (e.g. your company name, your name, etc.) if you don't want your work to find it. As I've been told by several people at my company *after* I was hired, if you're working here, you've been Googled.
3. So you don't care if people read your blog? Good - I don't either. But if you do and you're going to be very funny, but kinda mean, and you don't want to get busted then I suggest hiding your blog. Burying the damn thing, really.
4. Write from your work computer. This only matters if a) you care about them finding it and b) you're saying anything unflattering about anyone you work w/.
I'm sure there's more but I'm drawing a blank. See it's tough b/c I also feel strongly that you shouldn't have to censor yourself and also I get bugged when people make "don't do this or else" lists, so I'm not really the best person to be writing this anyway. Plus I really like what my friend Jenny told me a long time ago: "If you weed yourself out by your own truth then that's not a bad thing."
Sleepways is best ways.
***
But before I go, tonight was the last night of consultant training. For our celebratory dessert we got Sprinkles cupcakes. CUPCAKES??!! What am I, superhuman? I must be b/c somehow I, Fruit Cleanse Girl, ended up with two servings to take home. I told Dre (I've dropped "The Coveter" even though she still deserves the title) that she could have two and I'd have the other two in a few days. Sadly, driving home with those creamy mounds of goodness (mind...gutter...out), I even thought about the way I would wrap them *just so* to best protect them while they lay in waiting to be eaten. It was a beautiful plan.
I got home, put the cupcakes on the counter, and went into my room to talk to my friend Josie for the next hour. When I got out, I walked into the living room, told Dre that she could have the vanilla and chocolate ones to which she announced that it was too late, she'd already eaten the peanut butter ones. Wahhhh!!! She ate the ones that I was going to eat five days from now???!!!
Dude, what the f&*ck? I asked her. ('Scowled' is probably a little more accurate.)
Don't swear at me, she answered. She had a point -- even I was surprised by my burst of anger over a simple cupcake. (Though if you've been to Sprinkles you'd give me a *little* more rope.)
But that was mine, I whined.
I'll get you another one when you get off this cleanse IN 12 MORE DAYS.
I reminded her that technically I only have 5 left. The conversation ended when she agreed to explain to me just how and when she'd get me my replacement (she works in Century City and would go to Beverly Hills as soon as I get off of it).
You see, I'm here thinking I've been doing pretty good so far, and then you put a box set of cupcakes in front of me and I lose it like a feral animal who hasn't seen food in a week. It's got me wondering if all I've been doing over the past 15 days is repressing those sugar habits when in truth they're just lurking in the shadows waiting to spring up just when I think I've beaten 'em.
Stay tuned. Riveting stuff, folks.
oh no, I'm not done yet... /
Tis the season for lists (Christmas, New Year's Resolutions, Yoga-Teacher-Ticks-that-Bug, etc.) and I don't want to disappoint so here's my contribution. Since Christmas has passed and New Years isn't here yet, I'll spare you the first two and share with you my teacher list. Before we get started let me acknowledge that I've done all of these before, many times, and may even do them again. I'm also completely aware that I'm inviting a big heaping can of karma whoop ass by posting this. You know what, Karma?! BRING IT. (Dear Karma God, I'm soooo kidding. You know how I like to joke! No harm done! No need to show me how 'what comes around goes around'... cool?) So, without further ado...
Yoga Teachers, I Don't Like It When You...
1. Proclaim "one more breath" and then count three more. It breaks the trust. If you can't count, don't tell us how many more breaths to begin w/.
2. Use repetitive or meaningless fillers. "Mmmhmm" and "that's great!" when you're not even looking at the class feels empty.
3. Take out your control issues on students. People taking your class don't need you to "fix" them.
4. Demonstrate advanced postures that you're not even teaching and preface it with "I don't want to make this about me" because of course that's exactly what you're doing. Yes, you've been practicing since Gandhi was in diapers and you're beautiful to watch. But, if I wanted to be taken out of my practice to watch you perform, I'd have bought your video. And kept it.
Can you tell I'm feeling a little grouchy? I think it's best I go to my room and think about what I'm grateful for. I'll get that list to you later.