Somewhere there's a mala down the line / September 24, 2007 by vanessa

My friend Leslie just left this morning. We pretty much mala'd all weekend which means my arms may actually fall off from all the chatturangas and stuff. We liked the Global Mala. Two major developments I must report on:

First, Leslie talked me into taking Kundalini w/ Gurmukh BEFORE we did the 108 Sun Salutations. Big mistake. As you know, kundalini is weird, but I did it anyway since I like to keep an open mind and stuff. (Hypocrisy noted.) Gurmukh, a 60-something sprite with more energy than a wind farm, started us out with 24 minutes of dancing while keeping our hands raised in the air. Yeah? You try it. Then 16 minutes of push-ups, then abs, then finally holding our hands up in prayer position w/ the thumbs at the third eye (forehead center) for 7 minutes. By that last asana we were all completely beat down, though she didn't seem to notice. She urged us: Elbows up! This is important work! So I kept those poor suckers up, up, UP! in case some poor baby in Africa died as a result of my weakness. Butterfly Effect and all that. Which brings me to my point: despite all of this, I've reconsidered kundalini. It's prolly still weird, but I'm down w/ it.

Second, oh High Country kombucha, you've had your day! They had a booth at Global Mala and I agreed to give it another shot -- third time's a charm, yada yada yada. This time I tried ginger flavor, and folks, we have a winner! Yummm. Very smooth. And in a subtle yet clear way, the rep casually mentioned (he is a salesman, after all) that if "you are going to drink GT's, then don't get any of the fruit flavors because the way it's bottled with fruit juice basically turns it into alcohol and also their fruit juice is from concentrate." I stand corrected.

Two more quick updates: / August 27, 2007 by vanessa

1. Perhaps the difference b/w enlightenment and otherwise is expectation? Meaning, maybe what holds us (okay, me) back is the expectation that enlightenment comes in a certain package, the kind where you're recognized for it, and when you walk down the street people are like, "Wow, what a huge golden aura you have! You must be very enlightened." So when it's not that, well it feels like you couldn't be further away from truth? But really it doesn't look anything like what you expect it to look like and if you can just drop the anticipation it'll appear? Just a thought.

2. In a weird twist of coincidence, the dude that makes High Country kombucha was stocking it at the Whole in Westwood on Saturday. Totally trippy b/c this woman walks up and was like, "Are you Steve (his name coulda been Matt or John or something else) from High Country?" And he was all like, "Yeah." Then she said, "Oh I LOVE your kombucha -- it's the best stuff out there." He asked her what her favorite flavor was and all I could think was "Gojiberry sucks," so at that point, I have to be honest -- I stopped eavesdropping. And with that, I blew my opportunity to get to the bottom of the Case of the Misnomered Kombucha. I should mention that he looked like a nice enough guy and I felt really bad that I gave it low marks. It's rough work being mean.

Kombucha Report #3 / August 5, 2007 by vanessa

In the event you thought my kombucha reports had fallen by the wayside, fear not! I won't rest until every commercial kombucha in the land has been tasted, assessed, and documented.

Enter The Rejuvenation Company's kombucha.

I tried these guys before back when I lived in Cambridge. I was hesitant to give 'em another shot but oh I'm forgiving so why not? First off, the packaging --points for using a recyclable PEET bottle, which they profess to be more environmentally-conscious than glass since apparently it takes less energy to break down PEET than glass. Is that a dig at GT's? I don't know but it doesn't matter 'cause the kombucha's what we're judging here. Right. Getting on with it, then...

Okay RC, here's the deal -- you know I'm a sucker for buzz and yours is at least palpable so points there. And, since I could swallow you like a compliment you get another few for un-slimy-ness. Which leaves us with taste. Dannnnnggg, why ya gotta be so sweet? I should be able to drink kombucha without feeling like I need to cut it with salt. Therefore:

Buzz-factor: 2.5
Taste: 1
Un-slimy-ness: 3
Total: 6.5
Being eco-friendly (or at least advertising that you are): .5
Revised total: 7

P.S. Update on High Country. If you'll remember, I reviewed it here; I was not impressed. Last weekend my friend Leslie convinced me to try it again. "I like it better than GT's, dude..." she argued "...plus the guy's from Boulder." (Which explains why they call it HIGH Country since we know it's not from the buzz.) Anyway, I was willing. And I'm still right. To be fair, she picked Goji flavor and I'd rather chew on batteries than eat gojiberries. Regardless, I'm not feelin' it.

P.P.S. Before you go getting all hopped up about my kombucha reviews, chill out. It's KOMBUCHA for chrissakes. Put it in perspective.

New this, updates that, teaching yada yada / February 11, 2007 by vanessa

It's been a few days because I didn't have anything to say. I know that hasn't stopped me countless times before but whatever. ('Whatever', of course, is the universal cop out for the absence of a clever punchline.)

Let me catch you up on the latest in my FASCINATING life. In tonight's edition: a new kombucha review (yippee!), updates on my "dance" class, and cool stuff with teaching, etc.

***

Alas, it's unfortunate that I resume my kombucha reporting w/ an unfavorable review. You know I have such high hopes. To catch you up, in case I don't know you, I LOVE kombucha. It makes the world look a little rosier. Anywhoo, a while ago I established a rating system for assessing the quality of different kinds of kombucha. Read this.
Today's pick: Carpe Diem kombucha.

Carpe Diem, I like your intentions. Drink positive! Eat positive! Live positive! Who could argue w/ that? I positively wouldn't. Plus, you're foreign -- you know I'm a sucker for accents. Sadly, for all your international intrigue and wholesome personality, your kombuch doesn't stand on its own. Dear CD, I haven't had a Coke in a couple of years. Wanna know why? Because I like my sugar in solid form so at least I'm getting something (a full belly) out of the rush. Your drink? The healthy set's Coke -- heavy on the fructose and light on the kombuchose. So, without further ado...

Buzz Factor: 0. Dude you didn't even get a 1. And, I gotta tell you, it's pretty hard to score a zero here. I haven't had more than fruits, veggies, and nuts for almost three weeks. I'm an empty vessel! I could have got more buzz off grape juice. Sheesh.
Taste: 2. You're too sweet. I'm willing to acknowledge that my taste buds might have shifted since this cleanse thing I've been doing. Naw. You're just too sweet.
Un-sliminess: 3. Good job! You have redeemed yourself. Kinda.
Total: 5
***

Here's a picture of the stripper shoes I am wearing for my dance class. Can you believe?! I have to wear them around the house to break 'em in. I've been trying to talk Dre into taking the classes w/ me with little success. Until she put the shoes on. She was giddy with her new height. So maybe they'll do the trick.

I've signed up for Level 2 which starts in two weeks. Okay, so you know that the REAL Level 2 (in Montana) is like my favorite place in the world to be. This is *nothing* like that. This Level 2 has the sassy moniker "The Outlaw Sessions". Wow I feel so dangerous.

***

Taught my first class at the new super bad ass Equinox today. It's swank, folks, for sure. And, the coolest part? I'm teaching a meditation class there starting in two weeks! As you may know, I totally dig meditation. I'd marry it but since I'm already betrothed to yoga, it'll have to be my mister. What's the male equivalent of mistress? Doesn't matter. The point is, I feel like it's Christmas. With presents.

***

Once again, I'll say it: I am SO blessed.

The Kombucha Report / December 15, 2006 by vanessa

Oh yes. The moment you've ALL been waiting for. The VERY FIRST* Kombucha Buzz/Taste/Un-Slimy-ness Test. Following are the judging criteria. Notice that the criterion are weighted differently. This is to account for importance.

1. Buzz Factor -- A drink's ability to incite high-ness. Range: 1 - 5
2. Taste -- I should say I actually have pretty low standards for this one. It's kombucha. You're not supposed to like the taste. (P.S. My distinguished palate does not discriminate based on flavor, e.g. if I tried Ginger in one, and Original in another I don't hold it against Original. Cool?) Range 1 - 4.
3. Un-slimy-ness -- How much fungus is floating in the bottle? I don't like it. Range: 1 - 3.

Official Rules
The kombucha with the most points wins. No, there's no prize, sucker. Winning's its own reward.
Let the games begin!

GT's Synergy

This has long been, imho, the gold standard for commercial kombucha. I know that we're typically partial to our firsts, but this one has really stood the test of time. I appreciate that it's not too sweet and the range of flavors is unparalleled. And, most importantly, I could mainline the stuff. Well done.
Buzz Factor - 5
Taste - 4
Un-slimy-ness - 1(Sorry, GT, but you pack more fungus than a forest.)
Total: 10
***
High Country

High Country, you should be *ashamed* to call yourself 'high' anything. I got more buzz off of smoking oregano in high school. Plus, you taste like shit. I do give you points for a low-slime factor, though.
Buzz Factor - 1
Un-slimy-ness - 3
Taste - 0
Total: 4
***
Kombucha Wonder Drink

Wonder Drink? Why? Because it's a wonder you can call yourself kombucha? One word: weak.
Buzz Factor - 0
Taste - 2
Un-slimy-ness - 3
Total: 5
***
Kombucha 2000

First of all, props for such a kick-ass name. Kombucha 2000 is retro before its time. Second, and most important, it rocks the buzz like GT's! Yes! I've subtracted a point for its $4 pricepoint (I know I know so unfair). However, its hefty price is redeemed by the grapefruit flavor.
Buzz Factor - 5
Taste 4
Un-slimy-ness - 2
Total: 11
Wallet breaker: -1
Revised total: 10

* Claim unconfirmed but I'm pretty sure it's a safe bet.