YJ Conference and stuff / January 21, 2007 by vanessa

First of all -- hello Wisconsin. You guys are totally rad.

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Second, I just returned from YJ conference in SF. I really like seeing 100s of yogis descend upon an urban hotel. Especially the Kundalini ones since they don't exactly blend in.

Saturday morning I assisted two classes. YJ filmed the first one for an upcoming DVD. Because of the filming we had to be very sensitive to not speaking when we were assisting. Here's the deal - when we're assisting normally, like at bootcamps, workshops, or in the studios, etc. this is a rule too. Except that when we're not being taped, we can be somewhat flexible so that, for example, if you keep giving hand indications for bringing the toes together, you can eventually just whisper slightly: bring your toes together, assuming other non-verbal attempts fail. Left without this backup plan was like walking the tightrope w/out a net. Okay not as dramatic, but still... So I ended up most of the time just moving on when my indicators didn't produce the intended results. At first I felt guilty - like I wasn't doing my job - but then it's like I did all I could do in that moment and at some point you just have to drop your mistakes and stop second guessing.

Which is good segue for an important understanding I got this weekend. One of the coolest things I've learned from BB along the way is his insistance that you don't have to be a perfect yogi to be a great teacher. This is one of those maxims that I've thought about before, even blogged about, and totally assumed I "got". Until it hit me the other day in such a new way, making it clear that I had underestimated its magnitude to begin w/. I suspect there is still more. So here goes... I've been caught thinking that in order to be enlightened (whatever that means) or even to have some meaningful impact I have to know more, look better, or some other similar, external pursuit. At its core of course, is shame or unworthiness and it implies that greatness is always in the future. In fact, greatness is knowing that I already have everything I need. Doh!

Well, so I'd been thinking about that adage and the image of Jesus on the stake came to me. I remembered him crying out "God, why have you forsaken me?" I'm sure there are Biblical or Course scholars who have a different interpretation than me and I'd love to hear about it, but here's what I got out that scene. Does anyone doubt that Jesus was a bad ass? Even if you don't see him as the Son of God or the Messiah or whatever your belief is, it's pretty much undisputed that he motherscratchin rocked it. Like Buddha too, right? So my point is this -- Jesus cracked. But did that make him any less of Jesus Christ Superstar? No. He lost his temper at rabbis, misjudged the character of his friends (boo Judas, boo), etc and yet none of this got in the way of his greatness. I suppose you could argue the whole Judas thing did, since well, he died, but my point is that his perfection was not in avoiding mistakes. I have never seen any scriptures where Jesus was like "I cannot believe I screwed up." Naw, his perfection lied in his ability to just be, come what may. Super cool.

So I was thinking about that all weekend and on the plane I made a list of about five things I would do in my life if I believed I already was enough, as I am, right now. Sometimes you gotta just act as if until it's so, and I'm excited - really excited to see how this shift plays out.

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Joslyn, Leslie and I had a slumber party where we settled it once and for all: we're funny. That behind us, we took Seane Corn's class this morning which was her Detox Flow class. In addition to putting us through more twists than a Dostoevsky novel, she talked about how detoxing encompasses the foods we eat, what we surround ourselves with (our environment) and the thoughts we think about. She talked so much about food that it was making Leslie and Joslyn hungry. They started drooling on their mats when Seane said to choose differently next time you pull into In-and-Out Burger. Her point (obviously) was that this yogic path requires a high frequency and we want to invite into our lives those foods, products, thoughts, and people that keep our vibrations high. (For all you normal people out there who associate frequency with like, a radio, this really just means that you want to eat, do, and think about things which help you feel your best or that state where it feels like life is flowing.)

We left Seane's class and got really good cupcakes. That's bad. But, we ate them during kirtan. That's good. Later I went to the airport and I saw Seane on my flight as I was popping handfuls of Junior Mints. That's bad. But then I remembered that I don't have to be a perfect yogi to be a great teacher and I felt a total softness for myself. That's really good.

oh no, I'm not done yet... / December 26, 2006 by vanessa

Tis the season for lists (Christmas, New Year's Resolutions, Yoga-Teacher-Ticks-that-Bug, etc.) and I don't want to disappoint so here's my contribution. Since Christmas has passed and New Years isn't here yet, I'll spare you the first two and share with you my teacher list. Before we get started let me acknowledge that I've done all of these before, many times, and may even do them again. I'm also completely aware that I'm inviting a big heaping can of karma whoop ass by posting this. You know what, Karma?! BRING IT. (Dear Karma God, I'm soooo kidding. You know how I like to joke! No harm done! No need to show me how 'what comes around goes around'... cool?) So, without further ado...

Yoga Teachers, I Don't Like It When You...
1. Proclaim "one more breath" and then count three more. It breaks the trust. If you can't count, don't tell us how many more breaths to begin w/.
2. Use repetitive or meaningless fillers. "Mmmhmm" and "that's great!" when you're not even looking at the class feels empty.
3. Take out your control issues on students. People taking your class don't need you to "fix" them.
4. Demonstrate advanced postures that you're not even teaching and preface it with "I don't want to make this about me" because of course that's exactly what you're doing. Yes, you've been practicing since Gandhi was in diapers and you're beautiful to watch. But, if I wanted to be taken out of my practice to watch you perform, I'd have bought your video. And kept it.

Can you tell I'm feeling a little grouchy? I think it's best I go to my room and think about what I'm grateful for. I'll get that list to you later.

Even dust could crush / December 21, 2006 by vanessa

Dear Christians,

Happy Hannukah.

That's for the countless times that I've said "Merry Christmas" to Jews. See, the thing is, I should know the "Happy Holidays" routine by now, but I forget! I don't even have a good excuse b/c I didn't grow up celebrating Christmas (or any other holiday). If I'm to say anything at all, it should be more natural offer a generic tiding -- Seasons Greetings! -- and yet I chirp Merry Christmas indiscriminately.
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Have you seen The Secret? It's a movie about the Law of Attraction. I saw a meditation teacher when I lived in Cambridge who formally introduced me to this principle. I had been aware of it by concept but not name, and now there's a documentary out based on its principles. The production is a bit along the lines of What the Bleep; still, the content is an important reminder. You know how you think you understand something and start to apply it and then it's only much later, sometimes years (though in this case months) where you realize your previous thinking was only one tree in a forest? It was nothing that this movie explicitly said that triggered the understanding. Rather, it's my own subsequent kinesthetic experiments which have left an immeasurable imprint on my perspective. Super exciting.

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Last night we played this really cool game called "Settlers" that now I can't stop thinking about. Even my abysmal performance is no distraction. It's a game which balances probability and resources and you can't get it in Toys R Us. You have to go knock on some door off of like Alameda and Gage at 4 in the morning. A sliding door the width of a butter knife opens and some beady eyes peer out asking what you want though no words are spoken. You have to give some key word and if you're wrong they shoot your foot for wasting their time. If you're right you're entered into a lottery for a chance at buying the game. If you win the lottery your stoned to death (thanks Shirley Jackson) while the remainders bid on the game. I don't pretend to make sense but it IS fun. Settlers, I mean.

Know thyself* / July 12, 2006 by vanessa

As many do, I fell into yoga. It started as a remedy for a running injury, turned into a fanatical way to lose weight, and then settled in as a way of life. I was a freak about Bikram doing an 80-day challenge, and then a couple of months later starting a 60-day challenge. I stayed with that for a year, and was largely uninterested in the other types of yoga. And then I found vinyasa. Or, more specifically, I found Baptiste Vinyasa. I started taking a class from a woman who'd been to Level 1. Within four months I was at a Level 1 myself. I went into teacher training not having been a teacher. I came out of it and started teaching at Bodhi and the Crossings. I knew I loved the Baptiste method, but because I was new to teaching, and really yoga, I felt that I needed to study with many famous teachers. My classes would only improve if I knew crazy postures and could put together "creative" sequencing. So, I continued taking BPVY workshops, but I also took weekend workshops and travelled to conferences to try out other styles. After just over a year of teaching and taking a bunch of different teachers, I stopped the constant searching. I realized that all the different influences weren't making me a better teacher -- they were watering me down. I found that as I practiced consistency, I developed my skill. And then of course, I ended up in Boston where I took time off from teaching, but assisted at the studios, which has had immeasurable impact on my development.
I'm explaining all of this because a) I'm long-winded, and b) I am now in LA and I've been asked to talk about the yoga here, and I'm long-winded. Here's my take:

1. Cambridge is the best studio in the whole world, period. I do not regret leaving Boston at all, nein-siree-Bob. I do wish I could still practice there. I found something that really spoke to me and I'm not really interested in taking other teachers now. That said, asana is such an integral part of my life that it causes more pain not to practice than to practice something I don't love, so I'm branching out. Yes, my mat is rolled out at home, but classes are good because I'll do in a class what I won't do on my own. That's right on my own I hold Warrior II for two breaths. Tops. And I NEVER do boat. Ever.
2. It's hard for me to take a yoga teacher seriously when he/she's using a fake yoga name. If you don't like your name change it to "Jane" or something, but "Light"?
3. I've been going to my friend Kristin's class when I can. I encourage people who come to LA to take her class. She's at Equinox and where I'll be (next Thurs at 7 is my first sub class!). We've been to several teacher trainings together and she's challenging and tells it like it is. She also hates taking care of other people's plants so don't even ask.
4. My impression so far is that many of the practices I see are kinda like frappucinos (sp?) -- showy without substance. I know - I'm so rude.
5. Yes there are a lot of the big name yoga teachers here (e.g. Shiva Rea, Erich Schiffman, Seane Corn, Bryan Kest, etc.). I was going to go to Seane Corn's tonight but I was sleepy and it's a hike to get to Venice in rush hour so I went to Bryan's 1-2 class. Bryan teaches a challenging class. I love how he puts beginners in standing splits and holds postures for a long time. The accent is something for me to overcome and because I have the maturity of a 13-yr old everytime he says "nipples" (a lot) or "touch yourself", I giggle. I'll make it around to the other names on that list, but I'm not in any rush.

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More on the title of this blog. I've been reading so much Gandhi lately he's coming out my nose. Hee hee. For real though, I've read three books of his writings in the last month and a half (Prayer, Essential Gandhi, and Autobiography). You should too. Anyway, so yes, he's dead, yet I feel as though he's the most influential teacher in my life right now. His words are to me as the Gita was to him. Surprisingly, I find myself quoting him and thinking WWGD? when faced with challenges like soy or 2%? Okay that's a joke, but for real on Saturday I went to a spinning class (holy cow my hamstrings are finally pain-free a mere 5 days later), and we were "climbing a hill", Gnarles Barkley blaring in the background, and the teacher is telling us to get inspired so I thought of Gandhi on a bike in a black-lit, sweaty room with his little dohti and a moustache and I laughed. He was into the spinning wheel, but not that kind. I digress. Again. The point is, so then I had this moment in church on Sunday in which the preacher was saying all of these things that normally I would disagree with but at the time I had ethics amnesia. I couldn't remember or articulate my position on anything. I sat there in my chair as he called on me (and no, I didn't raise my hand, and no, this is not your regular kind of church). He asked me if I agreed or disagreed with anything he said. I didn't feel fear of contradicting him, but I honestly couldn't answer. In that moment, I couldn't tell what was mine and what was borrowed. All I kept thinking was "know thyself". I am nothing if not willing, and I DO want to know God. But there comes a time when another's experience with God is not enough - the soul is drawn to creating its own communion with the divine. So for right now I'm backing off a bit of the external sources and simply retreating to my meditation practice so that the inner voice within me becomes unmistakable. I have a little fear b/c I feel alone in LA and so far have used my reading as a way to keep me on track. In Cambridge, I had a cocoon of truth that was the yoga studio. It was where I worked out my shit. Here, I am developing my own way. I don't know quite what I'm doing but it feels right to drop it all and just sit.
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*or 'yourself' if you don't speak King James English, which I don't, but feign anyway.

Meditation and the art of motorcycle maintenance / November 8, 2005 by vanessa

One of my best friends, Sonya, and I were discussing recently the perceived perils of meditation. What do you think turns people off from it, I asked. She gave me a laundry list which brought back all the same reasons it took me almost my whole life to develop a regular practice: it's hard to focus, I don't have time, I don't know if I'm doing it right, etc. I can add to that list my memory of thinking it was just plain weird and boring.
So why meditate, anyway? Because it will change your life. There are ample studies substantiating the physiological benefits of meditation (including lower stress levels, decreased occurrences of heart disease and hypertension), and that's pretty cool and all, but what else?
Meditation gives perspective. It develops patience, honesty, intuition, foresight, courage, self-esteem, and eases suffering. Not enough? Well it makes you super cool, too. Seriously. I swear to God there's a correlation to charisma in its ways.
See the thing about meditation is that it shows you the truth. It shows you your path and then it's your choice to go forward. And if you don't, it'll keep showing you. Okay so there's no silver bullet in life, but meditation is hands down one of the most effective tools in stripping away all of the layers and layers of hurt, shame, anger, and fear that we walk around with unknowingly. It's these very things that paralyze us, keep us dating the same kind of person over and over again, keep us hating our bodies, keep us stuck as people pleasers, keep us from being successful, and keep us as road rage drivers. So WHY NOT shed that junk?

1. Because it's hard to focus.
People think that if your mind wanders then you're not doing it, or that it's a waste. But you are doing it. We're human. The mind is going to wander. That's what it does. Eventually, it wanders less, so keep going. The tendency is to throw the baby out w/ the bathwater and chalk the experience up as a failure if we can't stay focused. It doesn't matter! Be patient with it b/c the focus will come. I swear I'm thrilled if I get a minute of space out of ten minutes sitting. So your mind wanders... so what? Just keep coming back to center.

2. Because I don't have time.
I remember being scared when I heard that people went away and meditated for 10 days straight. 10 days?! I can't do anything for 10 days. Much less sit in silence. Then I read stories suggesting meditation for an hour a day and even that seemed unattainable. Meditation is just like exercise though. You don't start out running 26.2 miles your first time on the track when you're 30 lbs overweight and have been smokin' a pack a day for 10 years. One of the techniques that I learned from 40 Days to Personal Revolution was that it's totally cool to start out w/ 5 minutes in the morning, 5 minutes before you go to bed. So you're running late for work and you can't get 5 minutes in? Do it on your lunch break sitting in your car or in the office bathroom. (Is that sacrilege? I can't believe I'm suggesting meditation in a stall.) 5 minutes might seem like eternity your first few times, but stick w/ it for more than just a few days and you'll be amazed at how fast time flies when you're having fun.

3. Because I don't know if I'm doing it right.
Yes, there are hundreds of techniques for meditating. Various hand positions, seating positions, breathing options, open-your-eyes-no-close-your-eyes, etc. It's truly overwhelming if you let it be. I gotta tell ya, I don't even read that shit. *Maybe* I'd be enlightened/actualized/a super bad-ass faster if I employed some of those techniques. But I doubt it. It does help to be sitting up, and yes it helps to move your breath up and down your spine, AND you have to find what works for you. Practically speaking, I avoid reclining b/c I would probably fall asleep. It feels pretty good to me to sit on a pillow or two so that my hips are higher than my knees. What I'm trying to say however, is that no one can tell you how to do it "right". The hardest part is just starting, so don't worry about meditation etiquette -- just keep doing it, even when you don't want to, ESPECIALLY when you don't want to, and the right position, breath work, etc. for you will come.

4. Because it's weird.
It's weird? Whatever. You're weird.

So what do you have to lose except all those habits, traits, compulsions that aren't serving you anyway? As I said, the hardest part is just making it a habit. You will have days that you don't want to. Do it anyway. And those times where you force yourself to do it your thoughts might fight you the entire time and you won't feel like you did anything. Keep doing it anyway. I mean just give it three weeks okay? Just three weeks. You've watched reality TV in one sitting for longer stretches. I can promise you if you do, you'll be super cool.