Kombucha and I go back about six years. I fondly remember my first flavor (Original), followed rapidly by my second (Grape). Since then, I've developed a pretty healthy habit to it, in a totally healthy, not-an-alcoholic kind of way.
A few weeks ago when I was in Europe, news travelled across the pond that my beloved was being pulled from Whole Foods because of concerns over the alcohol content in the product. I panicked slightly because I couldn't do much about being 6,000 miles away. There would be no running to the ten Wholes near my house to stockpile for the winter. No big deal, I reasoned, I live in Los Angeles. You can get anything in Los Angeles. I ignored the nagging urge to send out an SOS to Dre.
And this is why you should NEVER, EVER ignore your gut: because you will be savagely deprived of kombucha for what will feel like the rest of your life.
Upon my return, I discovered that not only did Whole Foods stop carrying it, but so did EVERY OTHER STORE in the entire United States. Motherscratchers. I took Dre's last bottle. I rationalized that since I bought it for her, and she knew the depths of my love (for kombucha, that is), that she'd understand. And also that she probably wouldn't notice it missing for a good week, and by which time, God help us, it'd be back in commission. It wasn't. It hasn't been, and we're nearing four weeks.
You know what gets me the most? Well, the second-to-most? That the Whole, and most other places, are carrying tons of this bullshit impostor. As if we're not on to your pasteurized scam, fellas. I've already reviewed Wonder Drink, okay? Oh, it's a wonder, alright.
I would make my own, but see, I can barely keep a cactus alive, let alone the most awesome fungus in the world.
And then the thing that most bothers me, that really, really saddens me, is that -- fine, I'll show my ID -- just put it back on the shelves. You win, Anonymous, I *am* a total alcoholic just addicted to the buzz. Whatever. I don't care. Please give me my effervescent goodness back.
But all is not totally bleak. Today offered a lone bright spot in my otherwise solemn plight. At the farmer's market this morning, I went to the truck where I get my raw dairy products. On Sundays I usually buy a kombucha from them for my stroll through the stands. It kind of makes the walk more entertaining... Anyway, they were out today, but assured me that they will have some next week, and will reserve an entire case for me!! I fell dizzy. It gets even better. They sell it for only $2.50 a bottle. $2.50!! And I know a handful of jonesing yogis who would gladly pay triple that. It's black market time, baby.