In February, Vanessa Fiola met a manWhom she would later come to know as Gandhi. Well she didn't know it was Gandhi at first, despite the evidence
Read MoreGandhi
food is good. /
Dude, Eileen's in town (this is Dre's sister) and she brought us Saccone's! For those of you that don't know, Saccone's is this amazing pizza that should be located on the corner Amherst and Santa Monica, but instead is far from my reaches on 183 in north Austin. It's prob just as well. Anyway, so all day I've been thinking about the two slices waiting for me. Reader, they were yum. Then I trolled the fridge for more (because everyone knows that yoga on a full stomach is so much fun) and I look to the counter and I see candy from the Whole in Austin! Damn that Eileen. Next to L2 in Montana, Whole Foods headquarters is one of my favorite places in the world. It's just goodness. But curses that I've sworn off candy for a year! It's been a month already which means I'm almost half way there otherwise I'd consider rescinding.
For most of the month, the avoidance of candy (desserts followed shortly), has been pretty easy. It's like, I made the commitment and the cravings disappeared. Unfortunately, every once and a while, the Spirits of Candy and Desserts come around to taunt me and I hear little voices like, "oh just chew the Chocolate Bubbalicious... gum isn't candy"... or I try to reason that the chocolate-covered marshmallow isn't really dessert. That sorta thing. When asked "what is the inner voice?" Gandhi answered that "it's both God and Satan and your actions determine which." This makes me wonder -- is Bubbalicious Satan but b/c I chose not to chew it that's good? If you haven't figured this out already, I'm totally neurotic, which is why I've gave up the candy and desserts in the first place.
Okay gots to go to yoga.. I'm so sleepy though. It's been a long week and I really just want to crawl into my new, clean sheets (the housekeepers came!!) and read something smart.
did someone say 'blog'? /
***
Congrats to Dre who made it through her very first 3 day cleanse! Dink! I can't say it wasn't painful for us both. Several times I begged her to quit as she tried to convince me that sashimi should be included, as should coffee, soy milk creamer, and, my personal favorite -- the bag of vegan cookies she brought home on Day One. It turns out she just likes complaining (her words, but I concur) and had every intention of making it through. Next up? Colonics. Pray to baby jesus she doesn't read this.
***
I put a new Gandhi quote up today:
When somebody utters a lie before me, I get more angry with myself than with him because I then realize that untruth still exists somewhere deep within me.
This is why Gandhi's such a badass. (Present tense intended.) Well, one of the reasons. As the recipient of a lie, it can be really tempting to feel betrayed and make the liar wrong. Indeed, she IS responsible for her own actions. And yet, Gandhi's assertion -- that the recipient must, in some way, be holding space for untruth -- reminds me that I still have a ways to go on my mission to follow truth. Oddly, I feel happy -- because at least now I'm aware, and that's where growth can happen.
***
My friend recently found out his estranged mother has terminal cancer. A) Cancer blows. B) Mom having cancer *really* blows. C) (Mom + cancer) + estranged = Therapy. I haven't had a parent w/ cancer, but I get the estranged part and it's no picnic. My dad and I didn't talk for about five years. I spent years - decades, really - being pissed and feeling bitter about his imperfections. Naturally I sought out and found agreement in every therapist and friend I told. Yep. He was wrong.
Then, a couple of years ago I met this pastor/meditation teacher at a yoga workshop. I had been introduced to him after one of the sessions. He and I were talking casually and out of nowhere he turned to me and said: "You got anger." At first I was shocked by it, being all non-sequitur-y and all, and so I looked around thinking he must be talking to someone else. Nope. He caught my avoidance and repeated himself: "You got anger. You got anger towards your parents and you gotta learn to forgive." I laughed, because that's what I do when things get uncomfortable and boy, did someone build a bonfire in here or something?? The abridged version is that conversations ensued, and thank God -- that was the first time someone had ever told me that I was responsible for my own anger. The teacher didn't absolve my dad of his mistakes but he did explain that parents do the best they can with what they've been given, and if you want to not be like them, then you have to learn to forgive both them and yourself. Myself? Huh?! Yeah. Turns out, you have to drop the righteous indignance if you want to drop the pain that is ultimately beneath the anger. In this way, forgiveness is for you, not your transgressor.
Anyway, so I called my dad to talk, and ask for forgiveness for holding anger towards him. (I should disclose that I didn't call right away -- it took me a few months till I felt sincerity.) We started out bumpy; eventually it rounded the corner into a sweet conversation and I thought -- Yes! Case closed. Except then we didn't talk for another year, neither of us making the effort, and those feelings came up again. And you know what? I've cleaned it up with my dad prob three or four times since that initial effort. It'd be nice to think that once you deal w/ something it's done and over w/. Rats that it doesn't always work like that. Even now, my dad and I still do not talk that often, but finally! it's not because I hold any residual bitterness that I'm aware of. Forgiving yourself and your parent doesn't mean instant camaraderie. It doesn't mean painful things didn't happen in the past. It does mean that you're no longer bound by your anger. It means that you see those things that once stung with the eye of an observer. It means you stop wishing they were different. Their actions were no more theirs, than your faults are really yours. It means that now you can start to form healthy relationships with others because you've healed one of the most significant relationships you'll ever have. (If you think you can before this work is done, you're kidding yourself.) And at the end of the day, the forgiveness that you extend to others you also get to keep. And that's a pretty sweet trade.
now i feel like carolina, i split myself in two /
Today, March somethingth, it's 93 degrees here in LA. And tomorrow I'll be in NYC freezing, or at least that's how the 40s will feel. Because I'm trying to only pack a carry on for my trip east, and then to Texas, naturally, I went shopping today. Actually, I know *something* is up when I go shopping since I don't even like to do it anymore. But in my conscious mind it all made sense: my goal was to buy dresses that I could wear for work in NY, and to SXSW in Austin. Perhaps if my work was in East Village I could've swung it. Instead I just bought a bunch of stuff for Austin since I can also wear them in LA. Mission unaccomplished and I still feel empty. Fascinating stuff, folks.
***
Dre's friend, Pamela, is visiting from Cheesesteak (sooo clever) and last night we went to Ciudad's for dinner then to the Standard (lame) then to the Library (Guns n Roses??? Ouch.). We picked up P's friend E, and then E's husband T met us out. I don't even know how this came up but he said that he read in some book that "Desire is the cause of suffering." This tenet is, of course, the Second Noble Truth and I was pleased to be reminded of it. (Though apparently, it didn't make enough of an impression to keep me from shopping at the Grove a mere 12 hours later. Sigh.) It segued into a discussion (read: cynicism) about Gandhi's vow of abstinence. You know my devotion to Gandhi and where there is a challenge to his ideas, I always feel inclined to explain those that I understand, despite the fact that of course, his experiments need no defense. This time my efforts turned out to be a great exercise. I too have questioned his principles on abstinence, mostly because a) I couldn't see his point and b) NEVER again? Really??? And yet last night I found myself making a case for the value -- and really, importance -- of self-restraint. In that exchange I instantly understood its meaning and it was like I saw a portal into this world of possibilities that I hadn't realized existed. And if we teach what we want to learn, I wonder, is this the direction my life will take me?
Hi /
First things first. Hands down, the COOLEST commercial in the whole wide world. If you know anything about me, you know I love kombucha, Gandhi, yoga, and superballs. Not necessarily in that order. So I am so pleased to present the following video: http://www.bravia-advert.com/commercial/braviacommhigh.html. Enjoy.
***
Our friend P was in town from Austin this weekend. He's totally fun and completely trouble. In short, I'm drinking double strength Detox tea today and we played Quarters AND (and, yes, I know, the story should stop right there) not one, but TWO games of I Never last night. To be fair, the second game was a variation on the first where we played the non-negotiables version. It goes something like this: NEVER EVER WILL I DATE...someone who drives a Hummer. Oh yes, that cherry was my brilliant contribution. P's friend, M, kicked it off w/, "I'll never date a liar"; Dre showed up with, "I'll never date someone my family doesn't like." You know, these are meaningful things -- then I represent with: Hummers need not apply. Sweet.
This is on the heels of getting a new Gandhi book yesterday, The Essential Writings of Gandhi, by Someone. I bought it because you know how I'm a sucker for signs and when I flipped open the book I landed on a passage which said something to the effect that once you've read all the books, you have to search for the guidance from within. Naturally I had to have it, despite that the book was, in fact, telling me to drop the books and be my own teacher. I go to this great detail b/c a) I'm long-winded and b) umm, I'm long-winded. So yesterday *before* my marathon night of hijinks, I was reading in my new book about the importance of taking vows, (Gandhi's way of saying, Jesus would you commit to something already?), and I had all these huge and inspired plans which were all foibled on my first attempt. Fortunately I'm as resilient as my Tempurpedic so I'm ready to start again.
***
SXSW -- almost here. I'm so excited I can hardly stand it.