it's a numbers game / by vanessa

I recently started guitar lessons. And by 'recently' I mean, I've had two in the last week. Two lessons. I love it. (Them.) At the end of said two lessons, I can now sub-divide beats. You know how happy it makes me to sub-divide beats? Exceedingly. I hold the guitar in my hands, feebly, but still, and I see it all -- the beats, the notes, like a mathematical equation to be solved. Which is unfortunate since I was an English major. And I'm white, or, not Asian.

I grew up thinking -- assuming -- I sucked at math. And now I think back -- I was in honors math until I realized that my friends weren't good at math and it became more important to be with friends than it did to be good at something. And now? Umm, I really like being alone.

Well, it's that, and that I am continually realizing that beliefs we develop about ourselves along the way can be dispelled at any point. Byron Katie, who's some like, writer, has this practice in which she challenges people who encounter their own fears to question each one as simply: "What if that weren't true?" I like this.

I'm actually kinda done writing about this right now. But here's the deal: I'm kinda excited that like, I don't suck at stuff I thought I did or would. (Conversely, there's still plenty of stuff I assumed I suck at and indeed I do. But that's another page in my journal.)

That is all.