69 / by vanessa

Well, I did write everyday in Montana, but I don't know if I want to post. I mean, I don't want to post those puppies. Another transformative week and this one hit me hard. In terms of awakenings, I haven't had this kind of experience since my first level 2, two years ago.

I felt like one of those ducks in the carnival game -- trying to do the right thing, but basing my actions on previous experiences instead of intuition. This was huge for me -- I hadn't realized just how afraid I am to make mistakes. I guess because I've made some big moves in my life I thought of myself as pretty fearless. Strangely, it's the big decisions that come easiest for me and the small day-to-day ones that are laced with indecision and confusion. I found inspiration being around the other assistants as they moved w/out apology and took risks. You know how you can hear something a million times and never get it? Well I can't remember how many times I've heard baron say to "take risks and deal w/ the fall out" but this time I finally *got* it. I've always tried so hard to be good that I have no idea what I've missed out on just by trying to avoid making mistakes. And truthfully, I'm not good at avoiding mistakes -- so it's not even working for me. It's like the more I try NOT to make mistakes, the more I make.

Anyway, so it was a good, hard week for me. The students were amazing of course, and again, I saw myself in each of them.

I am still catching up on sleep from the week. Remarkably, during the week, we all have this incredible energy where we can just go for hours on end. I guess it's because it's so much fun. But afterwards the re-integration into the world always takes some getting used to. We spend a week w/out phone, tv, and internet. I have a small wrinkle in between my brow that always softens when I'm on bootcamps. It was gone yesterday and has returned today. :-)

Today I went to Zen Zoo for a Rooster tea. While waiting for mine to be made, I picked out a random card from a Mastery of Love deck (based on the book by Don Miguel Ruiz). This card said simply "Forgive". Flipping it over it said something to the effect that if you have any pain from a past wound, you know you haven't forgiven yet. I had some memories that came up for me this week that still smart, so this card was a good reminder. I suspect that I have some phone calls to make, but naturally I'd rather forgive w/out making the phone calls. Like do I really have to tell people I'm sorry for holding anger? Can't I just not hold anger anymore and be done w/ it? Isn't the apology for me anyway?

Oh one last huge revelation for me this week: my problems are not that big. This was really important for me b/c sometimes I can feel sorry for myself. It helped tremendously for me to realize that nothing I'm dealing with right now, or have been for the past ohhhh, twenty years, is that big. I realized that in large part, I'm just dealing with the implications or after shocks of some life events, but the actual events are long since gone. Problems can feel so overwhelming at the time so it's a process of remembering to put them in perspective.

Kinndli and I came up w/ an idea for a roaming yoga class (w/ a lot of very important help from Debbie). I'm really excited to begin the work towards creating it. This week I realized that I really really want to teach more. Which is good since I'll be teaching this week!

Okay sleepy.