'tis the season / by vanessa

I wish I had some really positive perspective -- a tidy way to wrap it all up -- but the truth is, I don't. This isn't a sob-story, and I'm not feeling sorry for myself -- it's just that this has been the lamest birthday like, ever.

Maybe the reason is b/c I expected a lot from it. Taking a queue from someone I really admire, for the past five years I've used birthdays as an opportunity to reset. It's my time to check in (as many do on New Years) and re-assess where I'm at in life. Additionally, this is the first birthday since I was 25 that I haven't wished I was younger. So coming into it, things were looking up.

Let me backtrack a bit - a big part of my move has been fueled by a desire/need to spend time on my own. I've felt drawn towards this despite the sadness that can sometimes accompany it. For Thanksgiving, I turned down a trip to see my friends in Austin; choosing instead to spend it "stoically" alone. This was before I was 10 woeful hours deep into solitude. Around 4 p.m that I day I realized this sucks it. There are times to be alone, yet *this* holiday season, on the heels of year of huge changes, shouldn't be one of them. So, when the opportunity came up for me to spend my birthday w/ my friend Paige in NYC, I hopped on it. Even better, it was to be a night of AcroYoga and then dinner! Then, in the morning, we'd take the train back to Boston where she'll assist and I'll take another AcroYoga workshop.

It wasn't until after I'd arrived at the airport sopping wet from a mile-long trek to the T stop in driving snow (suddenly a previously "charming" subway has assumed a rather pallid feel) that I found out that my 1:20 flight was delayed until 6:30. Yes I called beforehand and was told it was "on time". No problem, I'll take a train. Booked solid till 8:00.

I got back on the subway, and had a really nice conversation with a man who informed me, as I've been told repeatedly now so I totally get it, that we're in for a really long and treacherous winter. Sometime during my 30 or so minutes spent underground, what had started as driving snow was now full-flegged blizzard. I tried to look for a cab but standing still waiting for an indeterminable amount of time seemed a worse option than walking. At the time. You hear those jokes growing up, "when I was kid I had to walk two miles, uphill, in the snow" but in this case that's what was up. Only this wasn't the oh-look-it's-snowing-let's-make-a-snowman-and-then-have-some-hot-cocoa kind of snow. It's the oh-my-God-I-can't-see-three-inches-in-front-of-me-and-I-think-my-face-is-going-to-freeze-off kind of snow. So there I was, numbly slogging my way back home with suitcase in tow (and by tow I mean I'm surprised I did it without a truck - the snow it accumulated along the way could have built a King Kong-sized ice sculpture). With all my might I tried to turn the situation into a positive, but as the wind changed directions so that now it was hitting me squarely in the face, I lost any motivation to reframe.

After nearly 40 minutes (it's usually a 15-minute walk) I got home. And this is where I've stayed. I started working b/c what else was I going to do? Like an idiot I sold my car and got rid of my TV before moving here. At 6:30 I got an urgent call from a customer and so I spent the next half an hour trying to make sure their problem was resolved, and I guess that's when it all hit.

I don't have a positive spin on this. Today has totally sucked. Every time I've tried to look on the bright side, be grateful, etc, those hollow sentiments have died a quick and fiery death. I guess I don't know which way to go. I'm just lost. And truthfully, I'm enjoying NOT trying to make it better -- not trying to cover up what it is I'm really experiencing at the moment.

Academically I know that change doesn't have to be painful. Supposedly all you have to do is allow for things to happen. Sounds simple enough, right? Mmmm...well I have no clue how I'm resisting anything; I just know that I want to go back, but can't/won't, yet can't see where to go from here. This place I'm at right now is not just out of my comfort zone, it's like being caught in the ocean with just a dinghy and ample supply of water. Yes I'll make it but how? And when?

Changing gears: I taught last night. I received a call from someone who needed a yoga teacher to teach a weekly class to a corporate group at their offices. I was rusty, no doubt. There were 9 people, 7 of whom had taken less than 3 classes ever. Teaching to beginning yoga students is such a rewarding challenge. It's hard while you're doing it, or at least I find it hard, but I love it! Though I know that I taught a mediocre class, fortunately my mediocre is with some merit, and they want me to come back. The best thing I got out of the class is that I am able to look back and see where I was slipping into a mask (people-pleasing) or not being in my body and also what I did well. And I'm holding on to neither.