I really don't have a good title for this / by vanessa

Several quick thoughts...

1. The subway is a beautiful way to experience solitude. Tonight I met two of my co-workers (both in town on business) in the city. I walked the 20 mins to the Harvard T stop and took the train in, feeling so adorably urban occupying a lone, black seat in humanity. And even though my boss approved expensing the estimated $40 cab ride home, I liked it so much I chose to T it home too!

2. I'm starting to believe that freedom from compulsion is a bit like my meditation practice: drift, reset, start again, drift, reset, start again... only somehow I have way more patience w/ meditation???

3. Umm, I'm a little tired of this whole avoiding commitment theme that keeps popping up in unexpected places. And, everything I think I've dealt with it, I mean, mastered it, here it comes. I assisted "in the carpet" the other day and the feedback I got totally mirrored patterns in my life. ("Either stay and commit or make it clean and get out", essentially.) What I noticed is that when I decided to "commit" to the deepening assist, which meant I'd have to stay, I started to get really anxious around breath three -- like I just wanted to leave. Maybe the depth was too much??? So there's that -- and then during the first half of the class I vacillated b/w deep assists, then several corrective, so I wasn't really in one place. Don't I know that story all too well? Do I live in MA or TX? Take your pick. I was talking to a friend tonight and we were both laughing about being totally competent people w/ these tech jobs and we keep taking on more and more responsibilities, (a practice which earns its share of undue accolades) and so we may appear committed, but actually it's the opposite. As she articulated, "it's so that I can drop any one thing at any time so I can pick up something else".

On my walk to the train tonight, I was mulling this tendency over, and finally effectively threw my hands up w/ the conclusion "well what's so important about commitment anyway?" I mean... I know that's a lie, but I'm so done w/ feeling bound by it, avoiding it, and then watching its presence in my life and feeling guilty for it. More than not understanding its root, I don't understand the purpose its serving. Short story long...

4. I so miss the Whole Foods and Daily Juice -- actually the proximity and availability of healthy things in Austin, where it's so easy to get Kombucha or a shot of wheatgrass. I go back in less than a week and natch I'm excited to see my friends, and also I can't wait to hit the Whole like twice a day. (Yes they have WF in Cambridge, but the ones here and in Boston are nothing like either of the two in Austin.)

Oh yeah, and very excited to teach when I'm back. It's just one class but I need it in my bones.

5. I don't know why I feel the need to blog this (or for that matter...) but I just realized today that my days are pretty magical, and I get so happy in my routine. I get out of bed, meditate a little, then go to my mat and do the Integration Series, then two Sun As, then two Sun Bs. Then I check in to work, and answer email. 30 - 60 minutes in, I head down to the local bakery for my coffee, berries, and muffin where I read some, and write some. At the bottom of my cup, I head back home where I work until lunch, then go for a run. Occasionally, if I don't have food, I'll head to the Whole for something, and then trek it back to finish the work day (actually it never ends, this computer is ALWAYS on). Around 5:30 I leave for yoga. Get home around 7:30 or 8, shower, eat something, and then start this like two hour process to get ready for bed -- the order differs but the components remain constant: write, sit for a little while, and read.

6. My friend Jake is getting married to a really amazing guy, Andrew, in San Antonio next week. I'm super happy for them both, and also the lamest bridesmaid ever.

7. I'm super sleepy.