Cleansing Chronicles, Day 1 / by vanessa

Good morning. Or, noon as it were. I've voluntarily checked myself into a "spa" for the weekend where you take a bunch of pills and drink green stuff. I've been here before a few years ago, but back then I was just into starvation so now it feels like I'm here for the first time.

The thing about fasting is that it makes you crazy. You crave food before you even start. Last night Harmony came over and we drank a bottle of wine, ate chips and salsa, a salad and chocolate. I wasn't even hungry but I was all, "It's Christmas, I won't be eating for the next three days, yada, yada, yada..."

Then, this morning when I was dropping my car off at the dealership for service (a $2300 service, which blows, btw), they always have fresh baked cookies and coffee in the waiting room. I partook. Hungry? Not at all, but I knew what was coming.

And now, I've finally arrived after the two hour drive from LA. This place feels like rehab. It's out in the middle of the desert, on a private road and still it has a gate that you have to get buzzed in for. Trust me when I say no one would willfully break into this place.

I walked in to register. The woman at the desk asked to me sign in. By "signing in" apparently she meant bare your soul.

1. Did you follow the pre-fasting dietary guidelines? In between the chips and salsa, eggnog lattes, chocolate, and cereal? Absolutely.
2. How often to you do drink the following on a daily basis? Coffee? Does decaf count? Alcohol? Do you mean recently, or over the span of say the last ten years?
3. How often do you exercise? Shouldn't you be asking this question *after* January 1st when everyone is back at the gym?
4. What do you hope to achieve from this program? I'm at a cleansing farm. Is that a trick question?
5. What are your fears about this program? Please don't analyze me.

After signing in, you're given a dizzying array of pills (see below) and shown to your room (again, below). Getting into my room is no less harrowing than breaking into Ft. Knox, which means busting out will be equally as challenging.

This place is like rehab, plain and simple. I found myself in the lobby looking at the other patients suckers guests and thinking, they are SO unhealthy. What am *I* doing here?

Okay - off to meditation class.