80 / by vanessa

TV on the Radio was supposed to release their latest album in July. Instead we got a single teaser on iTunes. I'm convinced that this is going to be like Chinese water torture - songs dripping on my forehead periodically over an excrutiating period of time.


Yesterday I went to a yoga class for two reasons: One, the teacher's name was Kia and my friend Ruth's best friend's name is also Kia so I thought it was a good sign (for real, I was a logic tutor in college). The other reason is that I wanted to try a teacher that Renee really likes.

She walked into the class wearing all white and looking very California. The other day I had just watched the Entourage episode where Vince is dating a yoga teacher who is vegan, super self-righteous, and oh of course, a pothead. The tv character rang pretty familiar since you see those types in the yoga community all the time. Incidentally, (and stop me oh ho ho stop me, stop me if you think that I've told this one before) my friend Rebecca has this funny observation about teachers: "No I DO NOT eat dairy. Hey do you have any *insert drug*?". I digress to explain the captivating history behind why I mentally rolled my eyes when I saw her. I had already made my decision. So, naturally when she came over to assist my Warrior I by manually trying to push my hips in the same direction, I felt irritated b/c I hate that assist for warrior I - it comes from the legs or the back heel -- and motioned w/ my hands for her to wrap the inside of the back thigh up and inward. My pedantry is pure bonus, baby. Well, she got my indicator, even the unspoken one, and there was this awkward, silent exchange which left me feeling like "poor girl, she's walking into a landmine here".

Then it came -- THE MOMENT of realization where the pieces of the puzzle slide into place though they were always there to begin with. We were in prasarita and I looked up at Kia but saw my friend Margaret. It didn't occur to me before then just how much they resemble one another. I adore adore adore Margaret, and I imagined Margaret teaching the class. I am always open to her teaching. I felt the sting of embarassment. And, as lessons always unfold, I suddenly understood subbing and my resistance towards it.

I believe Gandhi's suggestion that if you want to effect change you have to start with yourself. Comically, I often forget that it applies to me, too. In that moment it became clear that I have been the close-minded didactic student I dread teaching to. If I want things to shift, I have to shift. Simple concept but I was too busy trying to figure out how I could change other people.