37 / by vanessa

This just in, folks: the 101 has single-handedly (or is that single-trackedly if that's even a word, which it's not) REDEFINED time. Yep. The amount of time previously attributed to an hour -- 60 minutes -- has been extended to 360 minutes. I didn't think it was possible either -- how can a mere freeway right here in Lost Angeles, CA change the whole world's definition of time? I don't know but if Pluto can be stripped of its title well anything is possible. Okay punchline has fallen *way* flat but WTF? How has what's supposed to be rush HOUR turned into rush SIX HOURS? It doesn't matter what time I leave work -- 4, 5, 6, 7, 8... it takes me forever to get home! It's totally messed up.


Have you ever tried to make yourself dream about something? Well I've been doing it since I was a little kid. I used to make myself dream about Michael Jackson but now a) he's puke and b) I've grown up. Though I still have license to call people "puke". So I've replaced pop stars with issues: When I'm stressed about something, before I go to bed I focus on it with the hope that I'll dream about it. Huh? Exactly. See for me, sometimes it's easier for me to understand the metaphors in my dreams than it is for me to look at what's right in front of my face. Two nights ago I woke up at three a.m. from a nightmare. So yesterday I was telling my friend about my dream and its message became really clear to me, but not the why. Meaning why is STILL coming up for me? So last night before I went to bed I just focused on getting clear about what the root of "it" is. And then boom -- 3 a.m. had another nightmare -- though this one was a different one. I don't usually wake up at 3 so it's weird that that repeated. Anyway, long story longer, I made myself go back to sleep because in that moment it hit me: I'm afraid of feeling pain.
Duh, right? As humans we're conditioned to seek pleasure, avoid pain, blah blah blah. So then why do most of us repeat the same behaviors that encourage the latter and prevent the former? It's like there's no outrunning, outsmarting, out-figuring-out the challenges, the hardships -- they're going to come. And trying to avoid seems only to prolong. Clearly I don't have this figured out. I'm just showing up and I've noticed that life does seem to get easier so maybe this is the way??? Just keep showing up, keep asking questions, and the hills are really just hills and the valleys are really only valleys - nothing to lose sleep over.