I really don't have a good title for this by vanessa

Several quick thoughts...

1. The subway is a beautiful way to experience solitude. Tonight I met two of my co-workers (both in town on business) in the city. I walked the 20 mins to the Harvard T stop and took the train in, feeling so adorably urban occupying a lone, black seat in humanity. And even though my boss approved expensing the estimated $40 cab ride home, I liked it so much I chose to T it home too!

2. I'm starting to believe that freedom from compulsion is a bit like my meditation practice: drift, reset, start again, drift, reset, start again... only somehow I have way more patience w/ meditation???

3. Umm, I'm a little tired of this whole avoiding commitment theme that keeps popping up in unexpected places. And, everything I think I've dealt with it, I mean, mastered it, here it comes. I assisted "in the carpet" the other day and the feedback I got totally mirrored patterns in my life. ("Either stay and commit or make it clean and get out", essentially.) What I noticed is that when I decided to "commit" to the deepening assist, which meant I'd have to stay, I started to get really anxious around breath three -- like I just wanted to leave. Maybe the depth was too much??? So there's that -- and then during the first half of the class I vacillated b/w deep assists, then several corrective, so I wasn't really in one place. Don't I know that story all too well? Do I live in MA or TX? Take your pick. I was talking to a friend tonight and we were both laughing about being totally competent people w/ these tech jobs and we keep taking on more and more responsibilities, (a practice which earns its share of undue accolades) and so we may appear committed, but actually it's the opposite. As she articulated, "it's so that I can drop any one thing at any time so I can pick up something else".

On my walk to the train tonight, I was mulling this tendency over, and finally effectively threw my hands up w/ the conclusion "well what's so important about commitment anyway?" I mean... I know that's a lie, but I'm so done w/ feeling bound by it, avoiding it, and then watching its presence in my life and feeling guilty for it. More than not understanding its root, I don't understand the purpose its serving. Short story long...

4. I so miss the Whole Foods and Daily Juice -- actually the proximity and availability of healthy things in Austin, where it's so easy to get Kombucha or a shot of wheatgrass. I go back in less than a week and natch I'm excited to see my friends, and also I can't wait to hit the Whole like twice a day. (Yes they have WF in Cambridge, but the ones here and in Boston are nothing like either of the two in Austin.)

Oh yeah, and very excited to teach when I'm back. It's just one class but I need it in my bones.

5. I don't know why I feel the need to blog this (or for that matter...) but I just realized today that my days are pretty magical, and I get so happy in my routine. I get out of bed, meditate a little, then go to my mat and do the Integration Series, then two Sun As, then two Sun Bs. Then I check in to work, and answer email. 30 - 60 minutes in, I head down to the local bakery for my coffee, berries, and muffin where I read some, and write some. At the bottom of my cup, I head back home where I work until lunch, then go for a run. Occasionally, if I don't have food, I'll head to the Whole for something, and then trek it back to finish the work day (actually it never ends, this computer is ALWAYS on). Around 5:30 I leave for yoga. Get home around 7:30 or 8, shower, eat something, and then start this like two hour process to get ready for bed -- the order differs but the components remain constant: write, sit for a little while, and read.

6. My friend Jake is getting married to a really amazing guy, Andrew, in San Antonio next week. I'm super happy for them both, and also the lamest bridesmaid ever.

7. I'm super sleepy.

Here we go... by vanessa

… And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. -- Anais Nin

***
I have a really dear friend who recently experienced a breakup but can’t seem to let go. I’ve noticed in talking with her that what I say to her oftentimes applies to me, too. What follows is stream of consciousness written at times for her, at times for me, and at times to what I’ve experienced in others as well. Forgive awkward pronoun shifts, grammatical probs, etc. it's off the cuff.)
***

You give away what you should keep. Telling others parts of your life that lose meaning the moment they’re uttered. This is what we do, isn’t it? Either so excited to strut our feathers or unable to sit with pain, we look for someone – almost anyone – else to give it to. We want to share the juicy details – ahh, see, I am worthy of someone’s love and adoration. Even better if that person is brilliant, really hot, or successful – now this really says something about *me*. You don’t have to do work on yourself because you mistake his attention for validation. Yet you’re still unable to be on your own – by yourself.

Sure, you may have periods, spans, eras (seemingly) without a boyfriend, partner, husband, etc. but what are you filling your life with? You go out to these bars, arrange social events – tv show parties – maybe you fancy yourself high brow so you opt for literary events, social causes, indie cinema – whatever – but all of this is to avoid the self. You can’t be by yourself because down deep (actually it’s not even buried that deep – others can see it) you don’t like yourself. You don’t like the WHOLE of yourself, flaws and all. You can’t see your flaws as the blessings they truly are. Sure you like parts (“I’m sweet, funny, I have great abs, smart, etc.”), but that’s not how you really see yourself. What speaks louder in the darkness of your mind is that which you loathe. It’s whispering to you that you’re all of these “good” things, but it’s still not enough. You’re still not worthy – so you keep adding accomplishments, you keep filling your life with things, with people to drown out that voice rather than boldly meeting it. Rather than taking a look at it and not cowering to its sheer presence.

What does it feel like to be unequivocally happy, self-sustainingly happy? You won’t know until you can accept the whole you. The parts that don’t feel good enough; the parts that are afraid of being taken advantage of, of being used, of having your heart broken, all those parts. Loving and accepting but not kowtowing to those parts. Bow to those parts because they’re messages – gifts – but they are NOT you. They don’t define you. They’re outside of you to help you get to your authentic self. Their magnitude is solely dependent on how much credence you allow them.

And then there is the other piece of it – so not the part about filling your life with meaningless things (incidentally this isn’t an indictment of "fun" – it has its place), but the part that has to tell all of your friends every sad detail of your life. You don’t stop at friends either, because eventually the fix wears off and you need more abetment. You start telling people who have no meaning in your life about your pain – anyone who gives you a foothold. And they’ll take your shit because they’re needy too. They’re incomplete too.

You spend *so* much energy with “Why didn’t he call? Is he seeing someone else? Why doesn’t he want me? Why am I not good enough?” All these questions – so much energy – and it’s all just a way to keep yourself victimized. Pure ego. Ego speaks and ego listens, which is why you will not run out of people to run to. We’re all so caught up in the avoidance game, carefully protecting each other from the possibility of breaking out of the shell that binds us. So many of us secretly revel in the comfort of shared mediocrity – we’re not even conscious of it – that we enable not only ourselves, but encourage in others the habitual patterns which serve only to keep us static. We are meant to be move and evolve – it’s our very biology – but we are so locked up in these patterns of self-pity, of blindness, that we defy nature and actually choose to stay subjugated. We choose to repress the light which exists within each of us which is our divine source and wants to see us grow, to evolve, to really live.

There’s no shortage of people surrounding us who are there to console us, who will tell us to “play the game”, remind us to “be strong”, and advise us to “kick him to the curb – he’s a playa”. They'll tell you "he's not worth it" or that "you're too good for him" but those are lies - in truth it has nothing to do with that. So we think we have to build these walls to protect ourselves. From what? The same wall you build to protect yourself keeps others out. You are stopping, nay, killing prana – life-force – by building these walls. Your problem will not be that you’ve been used. Your problem will be that you’ll continue to be lonely and will never find fulfillment in any relationship because you don’t know how to love or to be loved. You’re so caught up in worrying if you’re being screwed, thinking you gave too much, when you didn’t give anything! You gave what was easy; that which didn’t mean anything to you anyway.

Jesus said that “even ‘sinners’ lend to ‘sinners’ expecting to be repaid in full”. And that’s how we operate – our whole lives only giving to get, expecting something back in return. This is NOT love. It’s the very antithesis. And until we can learn to drop the walls and lead with an open heart – the heart of a child – we’ll never know love. It will always elude us.

Don’t listen to those friends preaching control. They’re as lost as you are. They don’t know love any more than you. What’s more, they are no more willing to face themselves than you are, so it’s like the blind leading the blind.

But here you have this beautiful opportunity to be the change you wish to see in the world. You can make a difference by starting with yourself, your own heart, the shadows of your own soul FIRST. Clearing up all the hurt, shame, resentment, in your own home, first. Cleaning it all up, every last cobweb. It’s time to start taking care of yourself instead of wishing someone else would change. YOU be the change. You’ll be so busy with that you’ll forget all about wanting to fix someone else.

Twice in as many days by vanessa

I recently heard an adage attributed to Aristotle which is, (loosely), “Power is the ability to be and let be.” Often when I meditate a phrase or mantra will present itself and today this is what kept coming up for me. I sat without searching for its lesson, instead just watching as the words scrolled repeatedly across the canvas of my mind. Then, walking to get my morning coffee I began to think about its meaning.
So there are two parts to this dictum and though the first is to be, I focused initially on the latter, to let be. Last night during meditation I had a gnawing sense that I can be energetically manipulative. It’s so subtle that I don’t consciously notice it, and like one’s shadow its presence is detected by reflection.
Both on the surface and in lucid intention, I am that person who is supportive and loving and lets others be. I am conscious in my interactions with others to not say something manipulative or controlling. Yet the fact is that within the last week I’ve had two separate people -- one who knows me very well, and the other who is preternaturally intuitive -- both call me on suspicions where essentially I’ve been saying one thing but conveying another. Defensive and indignant, I tried to convince myself that they were wrong – certainly nothing that I’ve spoken would substantiate their intuitions. I used that as support that it wasn’t me. But I tend to process things slowly, and so as their observations have lingered, I began to entertain their validity and how two people who don’t even know each other can arrive at what is really the same suggestion.
I’ve since come to realize that I’ve been hiding behind a mask, excuse, whatever - that because I can’t be indicted on my words that the label doesn’t fit. It’s said however, that somewhere between 70 and 90% of all communication is non-verbal. This suggests that very little of what I speak contributes to the impression that others form of me. It’s like that Emerson quote: “Who you are speaks so loudly I can’t hear what you’re saying.” Yes, I can protest all I want but at some point I have to look at the evidence.
Okay so how do I let others be? My heart doesn’t seek to manipulate or control, so how do I align my deeds with my intentions? That’s where I’m at right now – being aware of my tendencies, asking for change, and trying to ferret out the source of fear that is likely behind wanting to control.
Which brings me back to the first clause: the command to be. The ability to let others be seems to lie in allowing myself to be. It’s a hard pill to swallow – seeing my own shadow and the way in which it has negatively impacted others. Historically, becoming aware of these less-than-desirable qualities left me saddled with guilt and shame. This in turn had a victimizing effect where I became paralyzed by the inability to live with and accept my flaws. Thus, any progress that awareness brought was handicapped by the misperception that those flaws were ME. This year, part of my growth has been learning how to keep unhealthy self-talk in check. Questioning shame offers valuable separation and forges the way for affecting meaningful change in my patterns.
I think that being, in large part, is forgiving myself of my imperfections. They don’t define me, nor make me a bad person, and in fact, awareness of their presence allows me to see the humanity in others. It’s when I spend so much energy NOT being i.e., trying to control, not loving, not accepting, effort-ing, that I lose connection to my inner guide – that which keeps me in integrity and self-love. And when I have those two pieces (integrity / self-love), I suspect that there’s no space left to manipulate or energetically stifle others. I’m free to be and let be. And that is power.

Cambridge days by vanessa

For my birthday last year I received a card with a picture of a girl in wheel pose and the inscription: “‘Funny’, she said, 'how much right-side-up can come from upside-down.'" That's exactly how I feel right now.
I have spent the last four months with life as I had previously known it now unrecognizable -- the end of a long-term relationship, the selling of my house and car, and all of it culminating in a move by myself halfway across the country. Though this transitional period has been punctuated with highly charged emotions, I've felt quietly motivated to keep moving forward.
Stepping off the plane at Logan last Tuesday morning, fear and sadness enveloped me as the gravity of following an inner voice finally hit. This was for real -- my new home. No longer was it a future plan clouded in naive optimism. The day went on and the fear temporarily subsided as I had to focus on the logistics of moving in and working. Until of course I tried to brave Boston driving. Attempting to go to a yoga class, I wound up lost for 2 1/2 hours. An hour and a half of that was spent hysterical on the phone as Hav patiently tried to google me back to Cambridge. At the time I angrily berated my foolishness -- what I had just done??? I should have stayed in Austin, what was I thinking, etc.
A friend of mine recently told me that I seem to have been living in a bubble. Smug in my assumed awareness, I didn't immediately understand what this meant. Until this week. While I don't think I'm through this wonderfully horrifying and transformative journey (on the contrary it feels as if I've really only just begun), even as I've been filled with sadness, fear, pain, loneliness, and joy, I know that getting out of the sedated ease of Austin is the best thing I could have done. Here, in the unfamiliarity of my surroundings, emotions that I would typically eschew in favor of happiness (e.g. fear) have been strangely comforting.
I have never lacked for friends or things to do regardless of where I've lived. In past moves I quickly found ways to build a community and pass the hours. Yet this time I feel commanded, almost, to let there be space in my solitude and to be aware and judicious about how I choose to spend my time.
Not being in Austin anymore, I can see now how comfortable my life had been. Comfort isn't a bad thing; in fact I believe I needed it under my belt, but I don't think that that life was serving my higher purpose anymore. And though I am still nostalgic, especially when I feel alone, I am constantly reminded of something I learned at Menla: "If you fight for your limitations, your prize will be that you'll get to keep them."
Only a few days into my new life, I am already reaping the blessings of moving into the unknown. Funnily, 2500 miles away from my friends, I feel closer to them now that I'm here. Knowing that we can't just meet for lunch or happy hour at Trudy's, I cherish the times when we speak or IM. I've found that I feel more at home in a place that I'm renting than I did in the house I owned. I am re-defining my friendship with Hav in a way that allows us both the ability to be supportive on our separate paths. Having not taught now for two weeks (save for the brief times at L2 - more on that someday) I'm realizing that it's an integral part of me that I really, really miss. And, I'm slowly learning what it means to surrender and be open both in friendship and in life without expectation or fear.
Off to yoga.

Thank you by vanessa

G'Nell: Your card and stones really touched my heart. Thank you for your smiling face and your beautiful practice. I will miss you but know that we'll see each other again.

Malia: Grrl, you rock! Keep on moving toward the light. You are a wonderful friend and I wish you all the best in your teaching and your growth. I can't wait to see you in Boston!

Hannah: Thank you for being my teacher, cohort (!), and confidante. My earrings are exactly what I need for Level 2 and beyond. I love you, sister.

Johnking: Once again, you've blown me away. We are indeed connected. You are Zen without pretentiousness and loving without fear. Namaste. Love, Sparky.