My body feels icky. I went to go to my dance class tonight (euphemism intact) and had to turn around because of the traffic. So I had planned to come home and either go to yoga or meet my friend and her friend out for "dinner". I took a nap in the interim only to wake up 3 1/2 hours later feeling drugged and nauseous. Is this the effect of my diet? I'm half way through my cleanse, and can confidently say that I no longer crave candy and am enjoying its other various benefits. So not sure what's going on.
Cleanse
Well, I'm doing swimmingly, thank you. /
Because I work for a company and because companies like to do "team" events, one of our corporate team-building thingies this year is the Malibu Triathlon. If we were really team-building we'd do each of the three events tied to a partner, like a three-legged triathlon. Instead we are grouping in relay teams with each person completing 1 of the legs. I signed up for running, as did apparently every other person in my company. When word got around that everyone signed up for running and no one wanted to do the swim, I switched camps. "You're awesome," is the response I received from our event coordinator. Hold the accolade Matt, there are a couple things you should know: First, I am not a swimmer. I think I can maybe do like 2 laps in a pool. With a kickboard. Second, I *hate* cold water. I've been to Barton Springs like about 100 times and actually in the water maybe twice. I'm bettin' the Pacific is colder than the Springs. I'm trying to tell you that by the time I get out of the water, it may have turned seasons.
My roommate, (who I'm now calling The Coveter for reasons I won't disclose here), thinks I'm a glutton for hardship. She presented the cleanse and this swim bullshit as evidence. I reminded her that I'm just "slow". In truth, I like a good challenge. Fortunately, my friend Denean is a super swimmer and she's graciously responded to my pleas for help with tips about vestibular-something, cochlear-this-n-that, and spacial stuff. I'm in good hands.
***
Day 8 of my cleanse is nearly behind me and speaking of behind, I've lost 6 lbs. Which I gotta say is only barely worth the horrible shakes I've been enduring from the candy withdrawals. If methadone was part of this cleanse, I'd be all over it. The first few days were a breeze, and then I got handed a bunch of Visio work, and Visio is enough to push anyone over the edge. I'd build a few steps, add some connectors, and then start picturing the taste of a dark chocolate caramel. The thing is, I wanna shake this sugar monkey. I don't want to just hold out til the end of 21 days, swiftly returning to its clutches. No, no, no. I want to drop it like last year's skinny jeans, never to return again. (Please God, no more skinny jeans. Or sugar.) And now, I'm a third of the way through and my determination still has a pulse. It's quiet, but I poked it with a stick and it gnawed back so that's I think enough to get me to the other side.
Updates: cleanse, poles, and the like /
I'm on Day 5 of my 21 day cleanse. I am measuring success by temptation since my resolve to finish is firm. I am more or less unmoved by breads, muffins, etc. Coffee doesn't have my number, nor alcohol. However, I miss soy milk tea lattes and every time I open the refrigerator, the Trader Joes dark chocolate caramels are staring at me. My roommate, who lasted all of 30 seconds on this effort, has been enjoying the caramels in front of me and drinking soy milk lattes daily. I'm considering food poisoning or other nefarious tactics to beat her into acquiescence. Actually, I jest -- there is a certain delight in knowing that, despite external hurdles, I am resolute. The physical rewards of just four completed days keep my cleansing fire stoked. Namely, the wrinkle that appears above my brow when I have excesses of sugar or stress in my body has lessened, the whites of my eyes are brightening and as a bonus, I can feel my muscles again.
***
This week's stripper class was more physically challenging than of weeks past. But it's also the first time w/ the instructor I signed up for. She put us through abs for an *entire* song. No breaks - that's gotta be like 4 minutes. Points that we're doing abs to Interpol, btw.
You'll be happy to know that the languaging of the stripper classes is closer to trashy romance novel than salacious phone call. Or perhaps it depends on the instructor? I don't know -- either way the class is rad, in spite of the over-the-top prose. I try to imagine what the SFactor's teacher training program is like. Do they give instructors a thesaurus for different ways to describe moving your hand across the floor? Drip, languidly move, caress, explore... ahem, it goes on. What I am sorta shocked by is that you see these instructors before class and they're demure and sweet. Minutes later you get them in a room with some dimmed lights and a few poles and, well, the prim receptionist turns Catwoman with the flip of a switch. Clark Kent's got nothing on these girls. (I should not be mixing Marvel and DC Comics metaphors, I know...)
At last week's YJ Conference I was talking w/ a friend about the class and how I want to teach a yoga/pole (w/out the pole) workshop. He questioned what yoga and stripping could possibly have in common. Fair question. The answer? They're both ways of getting in your body. There is nothing inherently different about the intention of the movement itself. I haven't experimented with it long enough to know if they share similar spiritual effects, though I doubt it, else Patanjali would have thrown in at least one sutra to address it. But, it's good clean fun, and that's reason enough to go on exploring.
***
It occurred to me that the difference between perfectionism and perfection is forgiveness, and that's what I'm thinking about in my life right now.
Cleansing 101 /
Caveat emptor: I am not a doctor, don't want to be a doctor, and in fact, don't even know a doctor. Well my friend Margaret is an Oriental Medicine doctor, so that counts, but I digress. The point is this: take responsibility for your own health.
I have been asked by a number of people, with regards to a cleanse, wtf? Actually people have been cooler than that, but there are enough questions so I thought I'd post the principles of cleansing. Keep in mind this is from my own experience and I believe that ultimately you have to decide what works best for your body, blah blah blah. So, without further ado, here goes -- my take on the basics of cleansing.
Why cleanse? Because if you saw your intestines you'd know how much you need it. Trust me. Plus the way you feel afterwards is amazing. Plus it's a great way to drop dependencies (e.g. sugar). Plus all the cool kids are doing it.
What is a cleanse? A cleanse is any program where you eliminate difficult to digest components and/or toxins from your diet for a finite period of time. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups? Gone. Fat Tire? Histoire. Twinkies? Buh-bye. You get the picture.
How do I know which one to chooose? Russian roullette. It's kinda like that actually. You do some research but the way I started out doing these is just researching different ones (one at a time) and seeing which ones I liked the best after trying those that appealed to me to begin w/. If I had the ambition, I'd do a cleansing bake-off, similar to my Kombucha-thon, but you wouldn't want the pictures.
How do I know how long to do it for? Listen, cleansing's a bitch. Or at least I've always felt like it was until this one when I decided that I was going to enjoy it. Most cleanses say try this for x period of time, depending on the cleanse. For example, the Master cleanse (I'll describe this in a few), is generally held for 10 days. When I tried it, I lasted 3. But, anytime we give our bodies a break from digestion and toxins it's a good thing, so I didn't feel like a loser for not makin' it the whole 10 days. Much.
That said, I always try to do at least three days of any cleanse, and hopefully for as long as I can. This is the second time I'm going for three weeks, but it's modified, meaning I'm eating solid foods (fruits/veggies/nuts) so it's not like I'm starving. That's important b/c if you're really really hungry, it's easy to bail.
Will I still be married at the end of my cleanse? No. Remember 2005's Epic Break-Up? Too much cleansing. Nor will you have any friends. But your skin and your eyes will look so good that you can find new ones. Did I already mention that you might get a little grumpy? I'm just saying... it's been known to happen.
Here are the cleanses I've tried, with commentary of course, in no particular order:
1. FRUIT ONLY. I got this out of Baron's 40 Days book and I love it. It's short (3 days) and packs a lot of bang for its buck. Plus you get to eat avocados and tomatoes since they count as fruit. Highly recommend for first time cleansers.
2. MASTER cleanse. This mother consists of water, lemon juice, grade B maple syrup and cayenne pepper. It lasts for 10 days. It blows. After day one of no food I was about to eat a fence post. I started looking at my ex-boyfriend's limbs as possible food sources. I know a lot of people who like this one though and they're only partially weird, so I feel compelled to say that you might like it.
3. ARISE & SHINE. The guy who wrote the book on this cleanse is way hard-core. PETA has nothing on him. You take a bunch of pills (cayenne included), some clay, aloe, a bunch of other stuff, eat an alkaline based diet and then at the end of 30 days you're supposed to feel so good you never eat another processed acid-based food in your life again ever. Period. Except that I maybe lasted six days. It was too high maintenance for me. That said at the studio I used to teach at one of teachers there did it and she lasted the whole time and she loved it. Her eyes sparkled like you could eat off o' them.
4. RAW FRUITS & VEGGIES. I read this manual a few years ago. It was written by a friend of a friend of a friend and its principle was that for 3 weeks you eat only raw fruits and veggies and then after 3 weeks, you start adding in, one week at a time nuts, then soy, then grains, then dairy, then meat. Its goal was to show you what foods you're allergic to. Btw, that's another perk of cleansing -- you realize *quickly* which foods don't really work for you by eliminating them from your diet. I liked this cleanse nearly the best and I felt great after 3 weeks. I changed it a little bit in that I added in Ezekial bread after week 2 (which is sprouted, or live, wheat) because I couldn't take it. I'm currently doing a modified version of this now in that I'm eating some steamed and grilled (cooked in olive oil) veggies along w/ my fruit and I've also kept nuts in there.
5. CLEANSING FARM. This is where you go and pay a bunch of money and they feed you a little bit of fruit juice (less than 8 oz a day), a little bit of veggie juice (puke) and a bunch of pills. You can go for as little as 3 days, which I did, and as much as eternity. For real I don't think they cap you. I think though most people stay for like around 5. This is a nice option, save its steep price, because basically you lay around at the pool all day, get a few "treatments", and then take your pills. I was grumpy for sure w/out the food, but once I stopped talking (around day 1.5) it was much easier for me to get along w/ people. The next thing I knew, I was packing my bags to go home.
Additional Suggestions:
I got an email from my friend Malia the other day recommending the Colonix cleanse from Dr. Natura. She warned me not to look at the pictures, so I'm passing the same heeding on to you.
And, if all else fails there's always the SUPER A cleanse: It consists of 2 bottles of Ambien, 1 bed. Take the former, and jump in the latter. You'll wake up about 3 weeks later, no bags under your eyes, though slighty dehydrated. I'm so kidding. I do not recommend this. Say no to drugs.
You may be thinking, "wow, as tempting as you've made it, exactly why would I want to do a cleanse?" I should admit that I always try and paint a really ugly picture b/c I know that I like to feel prepared, and I do when I know worst-case scenarios. It's kinda like telling people who are about to go to bootcamp to like Mexico or Hawaii - it's NOT a vacation. The reality is yeah, it might be hard, but you come out the other end on top of the world.
Ask and you'll receive. /
No, I didn't get hives. But, I am officially so sick of sugar that I woke up this morning and realized I *want* a cleanse. Not I "need" a cleanse, or I "should" do a cleanse... Nope -- I WANT a cleanse. My boy Gandhi wrote a lot about fasting and dietary stuff. Joy and gratitude must be the impetus of any fast, he said. He went on to say that a fast in which the faster is dreaming of what she can have when it's over is pointless. When I first read that I was bugged -- okay so it's not enough that I've just starved myself for a week and now you're telling me I'm supposed to like it?! Whatev. But now, here I am totally excited about subsisting on fruits, veggies, and nuts for the next three weeks, and I see the wisdom in his advice. Out with the caffeine, alcohol, SUGAR, grains, dairy.
Logistically, fasts can get a bit tricky around certain events so I've created a mitigation plan like the good little business analyst I am.
- Risk: Consultant Trainings. We get catered food and we're there for three hours so I have to eat. But I've signed up to order the food. I'll order a bunch of chicken chock full of onions since I care for neither. Meanwhile, I'll be brown baggin' it.
- Risk: Roommate. I don't think I have to explain this one. I have convinced her to fast with me by telling her she looks fat. KIDDING. I didn't say that nor did I think it. But I did tell her I was doing one and I know how competitive she is, and just as I suspected, she hopped on board. She couldn't give up the grains thing which doesn't deter me in the least.
- Risk: Social outings. This hereby serves as notice to the two friends I have in LA that I will not be seeing you, unless you want to meet me at the Whole, until February 14th.